I am an average-looking girl, and, don’t get me wrong, I love the way I look. But I am not one of those traditional petite, fair, long-haired maidens who catch your attention. I am someone you might meet one day and then forget the next. I can easily get lost in a crowd. I don’t dress to impress, I dress for comfort, my comfort. I am forgettable, average, mediocre.
I am fine with looking average because I know myself. I have other strengths. I can hold a conversation, I have opinions, I have a unique worldview, I am ambitious and I can drink a guy under the table. But sometimes I feel all this is not enough. I look at girls with flawless skin and hair, great bodies, and I always feel inferior. And the worst part is I only feel inferior to them when a guy is around because I know for a guy that girl will look more appealing, every single time.
I hate myself for even admitting this, but I wish I looked different. I wish I was pretty enough to make heads turn when I enter a room. Just effortlessly beautiful. And I fucking wish I didn’t care for a guy’s opinion this much. I wish it didn’t affect me. But it does. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I was bullied for being fat. Maybe it’s because I was mocked for looking ugly. And all of those people who made me feel bad were guys. They made me feel invisible, helpless, and powerless. I knew they didn’t matter, but it still broke my heart. Each time someone made fun of me, I would lose a little confidence and a little part of my soul would be gone forever.
The worst part is even some family members “advised” my mother to take “better care” of me. They were “worried” about my marriage when I was just seventeen. “Who will marry her? Look at her.”
I look much better now but I sometimes look at my old photos, and I don’t find that little girl ugly at all. She looks so innocent and cute with a sandwich in her hand, posing for a photograph she is secretly dreading already because she knows someone is going to point out how fat she looks. I feel bad for her because she doesn’t know how special she is. I want to defend her. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that she is going to be absolutely fine. I wish I could be there for her and show her how she should be treated so that when someone gives her even a little bit of attention, she wouldn’t feel obliged to go out of her way to please him. So she would know her own worth, and not let a toxic guy enter her life and destroy her self-esteem. So she wouldn’t do things she doesn’t want to just so that she could keep getting his attention. And most of all, so she wouldn’t feel unworthy of love.
I wish I could be there for you little one. You are special, and you will be loved. You are loved by the whole universe. You have so much strength inside of you that you are going to inspire others to be courageous too. Have faith little Tanya!